lone.

Is it me, or am I losing everything day by day? Like I've said, it feels like I have lost myself. This only contributes to the fact that when I look back, everything is such a blur. I don't know how I got here, or what 'here' even is. As I sit back here, and think of what has become, and what is becoming, it bothers me like no other. As time goes by, I see that I always mess up relationships with people. That's the thing I mess up most. I wonder why, it bothers me so much because since I am so human, I don't realize what I am doing with my words as I am doing them.

 To my 3rd grade buddy, I'm very sorry. I saw how you feel, and if I knew it I wouldn't have ever done any of that. I regret everything so much. It seems like you and I are slipping through my fingers at this point. I felt like I need to say something because we've, more of you, have been through so much and I messed up, bad. Sorry...

Or at least, we don't see eye to eye anymore. A lot of times, I find myself just sitting here, thinking about my relationships with other people. There are too many of you, where at one point we would routinely talk and I had enjoyed talking to you so much, but now everything is strained. I don't know why. But I feel so sorry. I feel like I have messed up, heaps. I guess this is just me. All of the people I had enjoyed talking to, that I felt close with, I've lost that connection, almost. We're not the same anymore. We really aren't. I'm sorry I never realized it. But since it's taken me so long to realize this, it shows me that you guys are completely fine. That's really good. Even though we never would say that we thought highly of each other, just know that I'm sorry. All of you, everyone. If you had thought "I am in this?" then yeah, I mean you. Even if we hadn't been SO close, still. I've lost it all. The person I have been the closest I've ever with a person before, her too. The person that I didnt have to talk to a lot to connect with, him too. These were all months ago, I don't know how I did it, what I was thinking, or why. I guess I was just too concerned with my own stupid crap I had thought was interesting at that time. I used to ignore people's messages although I did enjoy talking to them, just because they had talked tried to talk to me EVERYTIME. The people who actually enjoyed me. Truth was, I enjoyed them too, but stupid me was too occupied and stupid & felt that whatever in front me was best. I'm terribly regretful. You don't know how I feel. I really am..I don't know why I do this, and I hate it. I am such a bad person.

All of you who actually enjoyed me, I had pushed you away or just plain messed up our connection. I don't ever realize what I am putting at stake until after its done (aka now) and that I realize you're over it.  Everyone from my best friend to a person on the internet. I remember you guys all actually, but none of you guys know that. I have a certain remorse for you all. I even want to list you guys out here but..I won't. Just know it wasnt personal at all.. because if I had not like you, I would have never let you in at all & never given the chance. Its safe to say that I kind of have lost everyone now. It's all a blur of nothing and I don't know. Everybody. I'm sorry. At least I'm a lone musketeer now, so its fair to everybody.