I never was the "daddy's little girl" type of daughter, and you aren't that type of father. Back then, my friends would come over and assume that I didn't even have a father and that it was just mom and I. That's how much you were gone. To this day, it's hard for us to hold a conversation of more than a sentence or two at a time- no matter how much I had intended otherwise. I don't know how much you know this, but I'm basically a clone of you. Your personality, your features, your thought process, and your ambitions. I doubt I'd ever work up the courage to tell you this, but you're my hero. Yeah, Daddy. You're my hero. I think you're the most admirable person I know(and will ever know), but I've never told you that. I've never even come to terms with it. It's a shame that I never get to hear from your point of view. I know that if I did though- you'd be the one that would be able to make me feel all better. But then again, we just don't work that way. I don't know if you see the reluctance in my eyes, I don't even know if thats what it is. In a way, I so desperately wish I can have the chance to be your 'daddy's little girl' again.
The memory of the time you said those words still burn my mind from time to time, you know. That night two years ago, when you were sitting on the chair and talking to Mom. I was supposed to be sleeping, but I had coincidently woken up at that moment when I heard you say it. "Now, I don't even know who she is." I still hear the sound of your voice, and it echos in my mind on the days that I feel the worst. Dad, I miss you so much. The funny thing is that, it felt like you were never here. In reality, you were always here physically. Sure, there would be the times where you'd go on your trips for weeks and I wouldn't even want to talk on the phone with you. I didn't realize it then, and I still barely do now, but I missed you. All those times when you were gone, they've granted themselves a permanent status for you to me. Don't get the wrong idea though, I know how much you love and care for me. I really do, and I really appreciate it. The handful of times where we were alone, just daughter and father, when I was younger are still the most vivid memories in my mind. The fact that you never directly showed your affection makes all of those subtle, yet discreet moments so priceless to me. You don't know this, but I've truly taken your words, the few that you've dropped to me over the years, to heart. I didn't know it then, but I sure know it now. I'm sure as hell lucky to have you as my father, even though I've never shown it. Nonetheless, we both know that inside of me- there's that grudge sitting in the deepest folds of my mind. I hate the fact that you're never home. I hate the fact that you never ask me anything, just to ask. I hate the fact that you somehow managed to forget about me until 9 o'clock PM that night. I hate the fact that you never considered what I must be feeling, doing, or thinking. I hate the fact that you never thought to ask me about just how hard I'm working. I hate the fact that I'm working so hard; yet you don't know of it. I hate the fact that you don't know any of my friends, you don't even bother to look at them when they greet you. I hate the fact that you never pick me up from anywhere, and that it's always up to Mommy. I hate the fact that after all of this re-inforcement, I've learned to come to Mom first for every dilemma. Mom, and only mom. I loathe the fact that if that doesn't work out, I don't even think of coming to you as an option, I automatically just set off by myself trying to get through. Why is that? We're so alike, you and me. I'm truly meant to be your daughter. Every aspect of me is from you. Meanwhile, even if I tried, my mom and I just can't be on the same level. I know that if it were you who knew when I started school, when I get off, the pressures I'm in, and all of the little details going on for me, I'd be better off than I am now- because, it'd be like getting advice from myself. What better would I ask for?
None the less, I only learn to see what I have in front of me more and more these days as I get older and older. I hope you know that I love you and these words, and arguments we get in mean nothing. when I hear of how you're doing and feeling, I don't cut you off because I don't care. I cut you off because I can't stand to hear that stuff and began caring- I wouldn't be able to stop. No matter what happens though, I hope you know that I admire you, Daddy. I'm the luckiest daughter alive, but the dumbest since she didn't know that until it became too late. It doesn't matter where I go in life, I know that I will forever be your little girl and that you're always going to be the number one man in my life. I love you, Dad. I hope that you're holding up better nowadays, please do- for me. I wouldn't know what I would do if you weren't here..
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