In several ways, summer sure has been good to me. I've gotten pretty close with really nice people and I've actually been able to figure out what my focus should be on. It's pretty sad when you realize that you cared about people more than they ever did about you. Honesty is seriously the best policy, and most importantly to me. I'll do many things, but I don't lie. I'm not shady nor conniving by nature, without reason. Im very reluctant to Let people into my head, they go into my heart too. To care and honestly want to tell people personal things is something I reserve for those who have found their way through. Once people have been able to break down my walls, I, without a doubt, become super attached. Obviously, very few people have been let in to know what I'm feeling, thinking or wanting. I feel as though sch things about myself are just to, personal to share with just anyone. Honestly, who cares & what's the point? Im truly not the petty, whiny girl to share all that I am with the world. I don't want people to know that I care, I don't want people to think of me as their friends when they don't know me, I dont want to be obnoxious and easily figured out. I'm not easily figured out, I'm complex. I know it. I feel like- no one deserves to hear my little stories of what happen and my random blabbing about my thoughts and what not. Those things are very elusive. To share the minor thoughts is actually sort of hard for me. I obviously don't do that with just anyone. Most of you guys probably know this for yourself since I've often been called "mysterious" and what not. I'm not mysterious, I just don't know you enough to reveal as much as what is really going on in my mind. Why, you may wonder? Why oh why am I so selective about just thoughts that don't matter? Well. Like I have mentioned before, I'm not a shady person. My thoughts and intentions are pure. If people knew my true, deep, thoughts, I would be so vulnerable. To know what Im thinking at certain moments enables people to take advantage of my trust and basically play me, or fuck me over seeing how attached I have become to them. Once i let you in,ve stripped down my armor and trusted that person with information that sould be able to ruin me. Once ive let you in, i care for you- a lot. You become quite important to me, while everyone else becomes a minority. Ill actually reach out to you or feel as if i need to talk to you. Its funny because many of you readers(that talk to me) know that im actually quite cold about conversations sometimes. Right? Im sure many of you have felt that I was ignoring you before. I probably was, and its all because i dont know you. You obviously dont know me enough. For those dear ones, have taken at least two years of knowing before they were welcomed in. Its nothing personal. It's just a way of self defense for me. This is how I make sure I don't end up caring about just anyone, revealing crucial info to just anyone, and basically letting just anyone be able go stomp over me & my soft-hearted feelings. See, I'm actually sensitive deep down. I actually have feelings, guys!! A lot, actually, enough to sometimes annoy then people I've decided to share them to. What man of them don't realize how special that is though. For me to show myself? I must care about you- quite a bit. And in the case that you don't respond to my attachment appreciatively, I basically get peeved. I feel pathetic. It's like I'm your pawn. And I'm not. I don't ever San to be someones pawn. My biggest fear is to be considered a pawn, period. I want to be a King or Queen, or at least something SIGNIFICANT. I want you to take me seriously and not try shit with me. I don't try to shut you if I care about you, I do the opposite. I open myself up to do things on behalf of my attachment and care for you. When you make it seem unappreciated, game over. When I do thaat much for you and you don't see it & fuck me over, I'm not nice anymore. That's when you're on my list, basically. To show you I'm definitely not a pawn, I'll go to extremes that may even terrorize me in the process, but I don't mind. It can hurt me and work me to death to do so, but no one has to know that. Everyone just has to see my superiority. I'm not a pathetic little shit you can take advantage of. Oh please. I thought you wouldve learned something from all of those situations where I see right through people and use them as pure entertainment or a challenging game to mess with. It sounds as if I make them my bitch, even LOL. I thought you'd be smarter than try and pull something with me. You're not, obviously. That's why I've figured out your whole game plan, but haven't said a word. I'm nonchalant, I'm too good. After I see through your BS, you become nothing to me. At least, nothing but a joke. So hear this--I'm going to make you regret taking advantage of how far I've let you in. I'm going to make you hurt, I'm going to make you feel uneasy with yourself. You're never going to find someone that was so good to you like I was, I guarantee it. Do you even know what people think of you? If you did, it'd be fun because it would have totally dimished all that hubris that made you try and take advantage of me. Do you think you're sly and cunning- versus that sincere, true, me that you knew! Hah! I'll show you who's shady. I'll show you who is horribly cunning & sly, who's basically going to ruin your world. Bring it on. My ego has already been brought, just waiting & scheming. So, let the games begin.
Trusting people is something that I have a hard time doing. Basically, I don't ever want to look like a fool, or a victim. I want to something with a decent amount of power. By all means, this trait of mine is quite prevailing. I can't stand to take the short end of the stick. I'm competitive. After all, life is a game- and I'm going to do whatever it takes. I'm doing it for the under dogs. Apart from that, the feeling of being inferior over someone that had the same start as you just basically kills me. Without something to reassure my insecurities and fear- there is no reason for me to be here. My goal isn't to give up a fun, bubbly personality, my goal is get as high as I can possibly become (in the general terms: life) Its hard, but ive trained myself to look past all of those against me. They dont know me anyway, if they did truly did, I think they'd like me. It took a lot to learn to get over this, but it doesn't matter if people have something against you. People are stupid. They act stupid and say stupid things, and it's even worse when they always turn back to you for mercy years after. Friends come and go, none of them will stick by forever. Actually, lovers also come and go as well. Nothing lasts. With my minset of untouchable feelings to outsiders, youll see people are a species of abundance and hypocricy. You'll see that on general terms, most of them don't derserve to be taken seriously, let alone welcomed into your mind. Many people would be so offended by me acting that way. Those that confront it, you don't make yourselves look any better. The fact that you want that respect and basicly demand to reason with me about how you think you deserve it just proves my point. I just get aggrevated when peoe EXPECT they deserve anything at all, but most importantly, my respect. You just make me see you even lower when you ask for it. People who get my respect are the ones who don't ask for it- they're better than that. They tend to give not even care of it. I usually give respect for people so worthy of it, that they don't even care about it. It's not worth anything to them. That's how freaken amazing the people I give respect to should be. Otherwise, be nice. Keep up your attempt to getting through to me. Don't push things too far. Let me be. I like space, I need space. Remember though, you're basically trying to prove how "significant" you are, but you have nothing as your given. Your words are at a 0% worth that I have set as the starting line for all people that I meet & potentially let in.I sometimes think of my future and the possible dilemmas I will eventually go through and it boggles my mind. I can basically get panic attacks right then and there. There is just so much that could possibly go wrong in this life. I'm not sure if it's all worth it. But that's what pansies say. I'm going to take on this game, but only step by step..that is, if you give me a reason otherwise.
Just as well, I have no clue where I am going, if I even have a chance, or why. I'm just a little girl stuck in a worrisome mindset.
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