❝Talk to the mirror, oh- Choke back tears and keep telling yourself that I'm a diva❞

Much too often, pride is able to keep us from expressing our feelings about things, or more like- people, that are special in our lives. This had never occurred to me until one of my habitually sleepless nights. My own ego didn't just shatter itself, but it was also able to break my relationships with others as well.  My hubris caused me to learn how to choke back tears, swallow my feelings, and crush any softheartedness. It hadn't always been like this. 

I used to be innocent, optimistic, and chivalrous. I was naïve. I am never one to vie. To all of my friends, I always started as seeing them equally. I never impaired anything towards others; I basically shared all that I had. It wasn't until I realized through experience that people of the world weren't all like that. My mother's most outstanding trait was her chivalry. Of course, this trait was rubbed off on me. Through my first few friends in grade school, I easily learned that chivalry wasn't something that would get me to where I wanted to be. Chivalry made me true and kind, but it also made me the underdog. Quickly, I realized that for as long as I put chivalry before savagery, I would fall behind others who didn't do so. I would have become the stepping stone; the one nobody saw as competition, I would've been the fool that was just too nice. Obviously, very few people appreciate chivalry- especially in children. Unfortunately, we all had to learn so the hard way. I did, and I'm never going to be able to look back at this rate. 

With what friends I made, I easily gave them the benefit of doubt. I trusted almost anyone, everyone, easily since they called themselves my "friend." I was never petty with materialistic items, money was never object- not for my friends.  But I was wrong, I had no friends. I uncovered inauspicious thoughts one after another. My feelings had been deceived and taken advantage of. Basically, the people I thought were dear to me went over my head and took advantage of my sincerity. Luckily, I had realized what was happening before I was used up and done away with. I figured, I may be too considerate, courteous, sincere, or soft hearted, but I am not and never will be a victim. I don't want to be the prey. I am a god forsaken predator. Even though I'm not originally, I made sure that will be. I will not stand to be the kill. Consider the old me gone. 

And that's how I'm where I'm at now. I don't care anymore- I can't. If I did, I'd care too much. What are feelings? Without any, there is nothing to be hurt. I'm apathetic. I can't trust you just yet, you might be playing me. Everyone else sure has. I can't let myself be vulnerable, I can't tear down these walls I tirelessly fabricate. I'm not going to tolerate crap. My objective is to become as cold, malevolent, and as vie I can. I had to learn to do so on my own, from the point of view of the weak. I'd rather pour my all into becoming a good hunter than become the hunted. I'm not naturally like this. Remember? I used to be nice and sweet.  I was genuine and truthful, I still am; (only to the exceptional). No matter how hard I try to hide it. My efforts to hide my true, weak, and impaired qualities are unrelenting. Nobody cares how nice, truthful, and charitable you can be. There's no use to trying to be genuine to others whose only aim is to ruin you. No matter how I tempted I am, I have to hold back. I have to remind myself: "Is this true? Are you sure there isn't anything behind this?"  It doesn't make any difference that I never intended any harm. It doesn't mean crap that I'd trade all I have for someone who deserves it more. I can't let myself become  that poor, easily susceptible fool again. I've hated being the prey so much that I began to prey on others for the absolute condolence. So, here goes to my self-constructed force field. 




** it's funny since to this very day, this problem is the reason why I have complications in truly letting people into my comfort zone. This is behind every "no,"  every bit of disbelief, and why I just have trouble revealing my true self in my relationships and friendships.